Thursday

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Today is Thursday.  I’ve been back in LA for 3 days?  Yesterday was sort of the last to-do for my mom’s passing.  We asked friends and family to donate to a local charity---the Blessing House, and I arranged with them to get a copy of all the various donations so we can write thank-you notes.  I’ve been jogging a bit---wanting to sweat but then walking makes me super-sad, too.  Yesterday I slept most of the day.  This morning, I was walking Pickle and it was so sunshiney-yellow, and the flowers are so gorgeous, especially the purple trees that are showering their blossoms all over the sidewalks---and I was instantly in a good mood and thought “God damn it mom and dad for your relentless optimism.”  Then, my sister Beth called, and I was crying and she was lecturing me about getting back to work and I finally told her---“I don’t push back on you a lot but I need you to stop lecturing me about work” and she laughed and said “I’m treating you like a 5^th grader” and now I’m thinking---she lectures me more than my actual mother ever did. 

Today is Thursday, so I should sweep the floor and maybe even clean the sinks and toilet.  One of the days we were visiting my mom before she was in ICU, she confessed that she didn’t have a toilet brush and used the water from the bowl and a regular scrub brush.  Kitty, my other sister, was disgusted and I was charmed.  Very efficient Mom!  The night before, Kitty got mad because I wasn’t washing a pan with enough dish soap and we told my mom about our fight and she mostly rolled her eyes at us and pretended to go to sleep.

Today is Thursday, and it's 3 weeks ago she was tubed. That morning, Dad and Uncle Tom and Mrs. Jezewski and I were all there in the morning, and we laughed and hung out and my dad made a chart for my mom that told her how often to do the breathing apparatus and I kept making her follow the chart, and she shot me nasty looks as she forced herself to breath.  Mrs. J led a prayer and then my mom wanted to rest.

I was there alone at the hospital with her as two specialists came in with very grim faces, and she turned to me after and said “It doesn’t look good”.  I yelled at the cardiologist for restricting her food as she was eating NOTHING except stupid Ensure shakes and wanted chicken noodle soup god damn it and they had her on restricted salt and liquid so nothing appealed to her and he mumbled about getting a nutrition consult. 

I tried to find the positive, and then her oxygen levels dropped again and she wasn’t able to get any air.  Everyone started pouring in—the docs, nurses, respritatory therapists, icu crew---and prepped her for ICU and one of the nurses said “Did you call your dad?” and I had and I was crying but trying to keep in my mom’s line of sight so she could see a familiar face and hold back my tears and I thought she was going to die as she looked at me with those giant baby blues.  I actually picture that moment and she has hair—all of the versions of her hair---light brown, silvery-white, curly—and not that little baby bald bird head.  An hour later, she was tubed and we never heard her speak again and she was barely conscious but could squeeze our hands for a bit and open her eyes but was never fully there again.

And now I can’t hold back my tears and I need to sort out a loan so I can work part time for a while so I’m not crying at my desk all the time.  And clean my apartment and make some pork and write thank-you notes and water the herbs and find a grief group and now my little dog is licking my tears and rolling on the couch in her happy snoopy dance and I know this will always be awful, but it won’t always be only this.  That already, I have found joy and delight and iced coffee and binge tv watching and sleep and friends and family.  Because god damn it---that’s what my parents taught me to do!  UGH!

Momentum!!

I've been in LA for a week now and have been on the serious apartment hunt, and squeezing in job hunt when I can.

LA is a groovy city, with lots of fun neighborhoods and hip little coffee shops and then a traditional bodega with mexican coke and craft beers.

I had an apartment I LOVED but someone else grabbed it with a check and application on the spot.

So, I am starting again.

My money situation is TIGHT and in times like these, I find myself getting nasty and resentful of people who don't have to worry about money.  But, than I am like CHILL THE F out Becky, you are in such a place of privilege.

I am a white middle-aged lady who owns my car, is healthy, and is creating an amazing opportunity to come live in LA!

So, I tried to "let go" of that stupid resentment, and do what I like to do:  push forward and start again.

Yesterday I looked at 2 apartments (no thanks on both but good to see and compare),  I sent out 5 cover notes and resumes to entry-level jobs at talent agencies, production, etc and interviewed yesterday with a media job recruiter.

I also walked the dogs, drank some beer, started a new mystery book and fell asleep to "Cool Runnings" as I am experiencing way too much anxiety for this apartment hunt.

I woke up early this morning and reached out to a bunch of places on Craig's List.  I'll see 5-6 today, revisit another building I love on Sunday and also have a contract job interview at 10a PST.

I haven't really been in to showering much--but will get one today which seems, at this point, like running a marathon.

I am a lucky lucky lucky human being who can currently only write a blog like it's a to-do list but the sun is shining, I have many options and I will push push push where I can to get there.

Thanks for all the support---funny and more clever blog post about my drive out west with my amazing niece Jayna, a clown strip bar, drinking a gross latte made out of green tea and the thrill of navigating LA highways to come. It will be pithy, include more pics and be real.

For now, back to Craig's LIST!

OH MY GOD I DID NOT JUST READ THIS IN A JOB POSTING

OK, I'm looking for a job in LA.  Therefore,  I spend a lot of time haunting career sites.

This one made me LAUGH OUT LOUD today, from a very traditional media company:

• Someone who only lives to get radical
• Being nice until it’s time to not be nice
• Providing your customers with the highest level of sales and operational customer service possible
• High attention to detail and solution-oriented problem solving skills

Well, then sign me up.  I am going to BRING it, stay radical but have a high attention to detail,  while still filling my pipeline and serving my clients.

Also, I am selling this chair and table---come on!  It's a Mid Century Modern table and chairs!

One-on-Ones! SDK!

In advertising tech sales (and probably other industries), one-on-ones are thrown around like coke must have been in the 80s.  "Can you set up a weekly one-on-one with your AM, Tina,  Becky?" 

It was my first day, working at BIG DEAL MOBILE VIDEO COMPANY and I was like what the what?  First of all, I had stupidly worn my HIPPEST dress: with a black leather upper panel, cute tweed bottom and short, heeled booties.  I had gotten this outfit at NORDSTROM you guys! 

But it was a HOT spring May day in Chicago, and I was sweating as I exited the Grand stop on the Red Line Train.  And I had to hump it another 4 blocks to reach the loft where BIG DEAL MOBILE VIDEO COMPANY Chicago offices were.

Dudes, I was so nervous---didn't really know what the job was all about, and had just come from a week of pitiful training in LA,.  Specifically, in Beverly Hills!  I was surrounded by gel-haired bros in checked shirts and dark wash jeans, and hipster gals, who were thin, tall, and thin.  They all talked SUPER FAST!  And kept saying SDK SDK SDK SDK.  And I was TOO afraid to ask questions and look unqualified.  I was trying to LEAN IN but I just wanted to run away.

At the big get-together in LA, I was so nervous to be outed for not knowing what SDK meant, that I got drunk at the drinks event and barely remember collapsing in to my fancy Beverly Hills bed.

And now, I was back in Chicago, having been "trained" and I was like what the fuck am I doing? Why did I leave the easy life of print sales to go work as a DIGITAL SELLER at BIG DEAL MOBILE VIDEO COMPANY????

Upon arrival, one of the other reps tried to help set me up with a double monitor.  WHY WOULD YOU WANT THAT?  IT'S TOO CONFUSING???? So I accidentally snapped "I'm good i can figure it out" and went on with taking my Skype pic (the preferred method of instant messaging in this org), my email, my laptop and acting like it wasn't a big deal that everyone was chatting it up while I nervously sat on the side.   What do you do on your first day?  Do you butt into conversations?  One time, my advertising nemesis (now we are friends) told me she picked on my at our first job because "Beck, you just asked so many questions!".  So, I better not ask questions!

Look how cute, excited, and nervous I was when I took this and was pretending to not care that my new colleagues were all talking to each other and not me!

That, it turns out, is what I did when there was one-on-ones, or all hands meetings (WHAT IF YOU ARE MISSING A HAND? I HAVE A GOOD FRIEND WHO IS AND IS IT MY JOB TO STAND UP FOR HER AT THIS JUNCTURE?)

I didn't ask questions. I smiled and nodded and took notes on stuff I didn't understand and ran home and googled all the acronyms (API, DSP, ISP, CRM) and terms (Unique Device Id, Multi-Screen, Pipeline,  Attribution, Programmatic Private Exchange).  It was so so hard and I was WAY TOO SHY and afraid of losing my job to ask questions.  There was no formal training program, the BIG BOSS was a total bro/harasser when he came into town (made a disparaging comment about a pregnant client we had just seen) and everything I had succeeded at throughout my media career (quick learner! Enthusiastic!  Genuine!) was not serving me in any way in this new role.  I was overwhelmed, surrounded by a bunch of know-it-all clients, and felt inferior.

And, plus, that old nemesis (now friend) had warned me that asking questions was a reason to get picked on!

So, I struggled. I tried to practice my "pitch", spend time with the really nice in-house expert, casually joked around with my fellow employees about "All these crazy acronyms" and they instead took videos of a drunk woman flashing everyone at a bar when we were out celebrating the Blackhawks championship win.

Thank GOD I had my Chicago boss.  She talked (and still talks) fast, she's whip smart and we got along.  Though, it took me a while to feel confident to befriend her.  Her eyebrows are just too good for her to be normal.  I eventually made some progress-selling some stuff and befriending most of the Chicago team.  Except one lady.  Who I honestly, now love.  But, she was really unhappy at that job and it showed (sorry lady friend---I think you are amazing! It was just a weird time for everyone!)

What I wish now, is that I had spoken up more and sought additional training.  That I had insisted on more one-on-ones with the tech people, and been more honest about where I needed to learn.  But, I was so so afraid of losing my job, failing and such.

So, I quit and followed my boss to another job. It was a better fit. I felt more confident.  I lasted a year there and then, someone in our LA HQ said "Becky needs to stop asking questions on the calls".  So, I quit. I threw my hands up in the air and decided to walk away.

But, what I learned is--have more one-on-ones.  Be honest about where you need to learn. Work on your skills and pitches and practice.  Trust what you are good at (Enthusiastic!  Great relationships! Curiosity! Teaching/Training!  Writing! Explaining complicated shit!)

And, now, almost two years later, I am finally ready to pursue a new job in digital media. I am moving to LA, and really want to work in the industry again. 

The good news--for the next job--I will ask questions!  In fact, I was interviewing for a job, and the thing that thrilled me is that they had a HARD CORE training program!  Where I can learn and ask questions without worrying about the bros judging me as unsuitable.  A faker.  Or someone who doesn't know their way around the BIG DEAL MOBILE VIDEO COMPANY.  And, I'll have nothing but one-on-ones!  (they wanted someone who already lived in LA, so no dice on this job).

Wish me luck, dear readers, as I once again jump back in to the world of gelled-hair bros, amazing lady bosses and a place of fear, but opportunity too.


.


(And, just in case you are wondering: SDK stands for "Software Delivery Kit" and allow app developers to work with a set of tools and features to create an app that can live on a certain system.  (Beeco--you can totally correct me on this!)

Bye bye Band Costumes

Many years ago, we did a show called "Band Geeks: A halftime musical".  Amy and I wrote the book, Andy wrote the songs and directed it, and a cast and crew of friends, new friends and amazing people were in it.  3 marriages sprung from it, and it was REALLY hard (in that theatre way of hard) but super fun.  And then we got to take it to NYC!  This little homemade musical was in NYC!  We got amazing reviews, Paula (our awesome choreographer, who had never done musical or marching choreography) WON the award for best choreography!  And then Andy won for a Chicago award!  It was the highlight of my creative career, and helped me realize how wonderful it is to work with material drawn from your own life, and to do the show on your own.  That's the lesson of self-produced theatre, right?  Just do it on your own?

Anyway, I went home to ohio and packed up the costumes, sold the band uniforms and gave away the rest.

Why?  I am moving to LA.  My mom gets stressed when I keep stuff at her house, and I needed to clean out my own basement storage unit.

I move on 3/1. I am renting out my condo, and hopefully getting a job in LA and plan to try it out for a while. 

I want to teach, coach, train, in the corporate world.  And establish a creative foothold out there, too.

So, that's the story.

Back home in Ohio, there have been a few family bumps in the road: but no one there wants me to stall on this dream anymore.  So, without details---all my love and energy has been spent in Lorain County, Ohio, and will continue to be there in spirit.

But, this little midwest bird needs to fly west (is that a thing?) and feather her nest out west.

Wish me luck, let me know if you hear of any job openings in training/media, media sales, advertising, etc.

And, I'll probably ignore this blog and then come back to it with intentions to write more and then ignore it again.  So, stay tuned?

xo

I'm such a do-gooder. Please heap me with praise

Wednesday, October 5
Everyone, please pay attention.

In the wake of our nation's recent tragedies (oh, and the world's, let's not forget our colleagues in Europe and I think there's always something bad going on in Syria and oh, yes, Pakistan), I, determined to change the outcome of lives and suffering, collected 2 bags of canned goods from my cupboards and my neighbors chipped in as well.

I then, bravely, googled "where can I drop off canned goods to help Puerto Rico" and found a place in Humboldt Park.

https://www.dnainfo.com/chicago/20170928/humboldt-park/donate-puerto-rico-hurricane-victims-logan-square-humboldt-park-avondale

Perfect, I can go there after my boxing class, and on the way to trying to sell my used books at the hipster bookstore in Pilsen.  And I love Humboldt Park!  I have gone to Riot Fest there!  (I think?)

I bravely woke up early,  at 720 am, walked Pickle, and drove to the club and boxed my little heart out.

I then, using my Iphone 6 navigator and my own innate sense of the Chicago street grid system, drove my prius, filled with bags and bags of books and 2  bags of donated goods (one from Whole Foods, the other from delivery service Instacart), and headed to Division and California.  They were no longer accepting donations at that locale, and sent me to a church that could accept goods.

Shit, here I thought I'd drop off some cans and yelp a fun place to eat.  Oh well, off I go to find this other place.

I got there, and the place was huge--an under-construction church, with piles and piles of donated goods and only 3 people working there.  How nice, I thought.  They said "we need help---tell everyone" and as I walked back towards my Pruis (oh yes, I drive a prius, thank you for asking!  It is good for the earth.  I think.  Ha, oh yes, it would probably be better to not drive? But, we all do what we can)

But then, another lady came and donated, and decided to volunteer on the spot.  She had also been to the gym that morning or was on her way to the gym or just wears gym clothes, and I thought "I will not be shown up by this Trixie" and said "I can help!"

Inside, my job was to sort out adult diapers and maxi pads, baby formula, and toiletries.  For the people.

I also had to draw a line through the UPC codes so these items weren't selleable on the inevitable black market (the church's rule/thoughts---not my own).

After heroically packing for 2 hours, I needed to run to sell my books for money, and maybe grab a bite in Pilsen as Humboldt Park dining hadn't panned out.

Next, time to sell my books.  A process I actually hate, same as selling cds or telling someone at a bike shop you don't want a fixed gear bike and you do want a water bottle installed.  They GLARE at you and judge you.  I held my breath as the piles were made--and he looked at each tome, flipping through the pages of "Crime and Punishment" (like I'm ever going to read that shit) and not even examining a Maeve Binchy (beloved and rejected) and saying "we could always use another of these for "Cold Mountain" (bought, never read) and considering "Behind the Beautiful Forevers: Life, Death and Hope in a Mumbai Undercity" and buying it!

For the no pile he said "There's some good content there, but just not the condition we take", and I humbly nodded, acknowledging my good taste in literature (though not admitting I haven't read half of these books, and would likely never read the short stories of Anton Chekhov (too many russian nicknames to sort out ) ).

He added up my good taste and handed me $65 in Cash!  Great, I'll just switch myself to an all-cash spending plan and only spend what I have, only cook at home, and grow all my own food, like a pioneer.

I bravely resisted buying a Thurber and EB White co-authored book, early edition:

https://www.brainpickings.org/2013/08/23/is-sex-necessary-e-b-white-james-thurber/

Instead, I asked the hipster who bought my books a good neighborhood place to eat and he said somewhere over on Blue Island.  BS I thought---I'm going right here in Pilsen on 18th street.

I chose "Pollo Express" down the street based on the amazing Yelp reviews and when I went in, it was populated with Chicago cops and People's Gas dudes in hardhats, so I knew it would be tasty if the people were eating there.   And it was so good!  Thank god I opted for the Charro beans in my chicken bowl--they were salty, cooked in a bacon-y infused sauces and delish. (I know gentle reader, Yelp isn't always reliable, and Pollo Express means "Chicken Express", FYI.  I got a C average in College Spanish).

https://www.yelp.com/biz/pollo-express-chicago-2

I bravely drove the wrong way and got stuck behind a bridge on the river, raised to let boats go by, and took a wrong turn and ended up in Chinatown.

There, an older gal, using a walker, crossed while the light was green.  I bravely saved her life by allowing her safe passage and not hitting her.

I finally headed up lake shore drive, to the northern reaches of Chicago and happily helped a friend sort out her closet.

With my heart warm with generosity, I bravely drove down to Howard Brown to meet with my insurance navigator to adjust my health insurance because I am making very little money, and then went to Aldi and splurged on $17 rain boots and a pineapple, but opted to try the Aldi off-brand diet coke.  Stay tuned on that one!

Pickle and I enjoyed fighting over the refrigerator as I packed it full of goodies (cottage cheese! Milk for pudding! Hazelnut Creamer)  Aldi IPA!) and sat down to watch Survivor and then Game of Thrones.

It's hard to hear these words of praise, when it's really others who are brave and more selfless than me. You all are too kind.  Blessings.

Now, off to bravely go to bed and sleep in tomorrow!

Paperwork!

Thursday, October 5
I had one thing going on today--a lunch with some former colleagues.  But, they had to change the date so I was thrilled as that meant I can nurse my "Lady's burden" and watch more Game of Thrones.

But, good old guilt kicked in so I am instead, going through paperwork.

On the list include:

• sorting out my awards points
• sorting out bills and seeing where I can make some cuts (bye bye HULU! I never knew u)
• Doing a bit of tax prep (The tax man cometh)
• Assessing furniture and what I can sell for $ (you know you all want one of my 3 white chairs!)
• Writing!  Ha!  Maybe do that first???  Nah

I'd like to hit the gym and get a few game of thrones episodes in, but that may be CRAZY!

By the way, years ago I signed up for "Points Loyalty Wallet"--which rolls up all your points in one place.  But, it doesn't have an app??? Why???? So, I clearly need to spend a bit of time researching the pros and cons of rolling up points, and also consider an app that rolls in loyalty cards for CVS so I can get my drugzzz and points, and can they roll in loyalty cards for independent coffee shops (where I like to pretend I go--but really, I'm broke so making my Aldi coffee at home)?

Speaking of coffee at home, my CUISINART (read, EXPENSIVE!) beloved coffee maker keeps flushing out water every time I brew below 4 cups.  Which is OFTEN as I have to monitor the intake of my caffeine levels because I am SENSITIVE!!!!  So, I'll add that to the list of to-do.

The other thing I need to do is look for work.

ha ha ha ha ha!!  Like that's going to happen.

I've got a credit card and I'm not afraid to use it!  I'm getting the hazelnut creamer and the cottage cheese!  (All Aldi, naturally).

Anyway, back to my to dos and some more random zig zagging between tasks and moments of hyper energy and moments of napping and intention to workout.  

(Also, there was some news from home that may be making me spiral a bit.  Finger crossed.)