I've certainly been staying up late these past 9 months since my mom passed away. At first, binge watching ER, sitting in the warm California eves, and several days, seeing the sun come up. Maybe even crying to the hymns we sang at my mom's funeral.
The nice thing about ER is my mom loved Dr. Ross and it was fun to see the series play out. It's really a great show, and everyone on it dies all the time. Every time someone was tubed, or their heart and lungs failed, sepsis, they got a trach, it poked at the sore spot of what my mom went through, but also numbed the sore spot.
I've always been a night owl...and over the past year haven't been able to fall asleep until 3 a, 4a, etc.
And then my mom started to come to me in the late morning...in my dreams. So, I needed to be sleeping for that.
I tried to interview for advertising jobs right after I got back from my mom's death...but I cried during most of them. I may have been crying because of the job, though, in all fairness.
So, I slept a lot, watched a lot of tv, and did what I could for money. (That sounds like I did something illegal--what I mean, is my amazing friend Brad hired me to do a bunch of writing for his website. While I am positive sex trade, etc, I don't think I could have found the energy to put on mascara). I accepted less social invites and when I did, tried my best to not cry at parties. That's hard. It continues to be hard. I felt so vulnerable, wounded, angry and alone and everything seemed really silly. I'd try to laugh and giggle and play along, but mostly, I wanted to cry at parties. That's gotten better. Thank GOD.
I even went on a game show to try to get rent money! Those game show producers loved making me cry in my "package" and I scored pretty well, but I walked away with only a check of $200 per diem. I did try to submit expenses for parking, but they wouldn't cover that.
You can hear more about Mental Samurai here:
At the end of the podcast, the host and fellow contestant and all-around charmer, Chris Yeh asks "Where can we find you out in the world? Upcoming shows, etc" I chuckled because there has been no putting myself out in the world for a long time. I barely blog, I never perform and I spend my weekends holed up on my patio.
And I haven't needed an alarm clock for a while...I could schedule myself to work from home how I needed, and my dog Pickle, happily obliged. In fact, it's 245 p right now, and she's been sleeping all morning. I mean, all day. It's past morning:)
In this dead mom/dad/sibling/spouse/child club that we all never wanted to join, I also realized how awful it must have been for others and wish I would have helped. Looking back at the impact of close friends losing their parents, etc and I had no idea how painful it was for them. Now I do. I hope I can be helpful as others helped me.
Anyway, today it occurred to me, at this mark, 10 months since my mother passed away, that I may be coming out of mourning. Like, old-fashioned, Victorian mourning. And that's kind of FUN!
Queen Vicky set the standard for western mourning when her Prince Albert died in 1861, and the Antebellum South sucked up that idea (I like to pretend I know something about history sometimes, #directbrag). Wear black, wear a veil, reduce social engagements, make a memorial pendant or brooch out of that person's hair, have your servants wear a black mourning band, have some deep reflection. Well, here's what I've done:
- I've been wearing a lot of black---check! (Mostly stretchy cheap Champion yoga pants, and a cozy puffer/fleece number with very good pockets, and my black reeboks from Costco)
- I've been praying to a little altar I made to my mom---check! (She was out of hair because of the chemo, so no hair to make a piece of jewelry out of. But, her hair was her crowning glory, so I'm sure if I dug around back at my parent's house, I could find some.)
- I've reduced my social activities and experienced an intense amount of naval gazing---check!
- I haven't worn mascara since my mom was sick. (I hate it anyway, makes your lashes look like crazy spiders that only a Kardashian could love)
- I've always loved my curls and have been doing very little to modify them from their natural state (though my mom wins, hands down, any curl competition. Her's were amazing!)
https://www.sparknotes.com/biography/victoria/section5/
Today feels like, it's enough. For now. I'm done with my Annus Horribilis (shout out to QE II)...https://www.royal.uk/annus-horribilis-speech
I filed my 2018 taxes, I shed my funeral garb and chilled out today on my day off.
I'll never throw out my black clothes...but I'm finding myself more and more able to go out in the world.
I'm not at my old fighting capacity by any means...but that's ok. I used to have so much more energy and charm. Enthusiasm. But, loss changes you...and I am open to see how these changes play out.
Mostly, I'm wearing my tattered pink hoody a bit more. My mom had a very similar hoody, bright pink, and it felt like mother/daughter outfits when we wore them. Hers, of course, was much cuter with a ruffled trim and didn't have tears in the sleeves and coffee stains. I couldn't wear it for a while, but it's in the rotation.
I'm tending my little plants, keeping up with the housekeeping a bit more, cooking mom-inspired meals (Corned Beef and Cabbage, Kielbasa and Sauerkraut with potatoes, Chips and Dip), and actually hosted a party (For my big game show premiere! I had to tidy up and everything!). I started working outside of the house (I now use an alarm clock and haul my ass to work by 9a!) and even tried to go on a bumble date with a fellow bookworm (No sparks, nice guy, hates his mother so hard pass there).
So, good morning mourning! I'm moving on. A bit.
(Pickle, my only servant (so far!), continues to wear black because that's the color of the fur on her back. But, she's living her best LA life and rolls in the grass almost every day!)
