It was my first day, working at BIG DEAL MOBILE VIDEO COMPANY and I was like what the what? First of all, I had stupidly worn my HIPPEST dress: with a black leather upper panel, cute tweed bottom and short, heeled booties. I had gotten this outfit at NORDSTROM you guys!
But it was a HOT spring May day in Chicago, and I was sweating as I exited the Grand stop on the Red Line Train. And I had to hump it another 4 blocks to reach the loft where BIG DEAL MOBILE VIDEO COMPANY Chicago offices were.
Dudes, I was so nervous---didn't really know what the job was all about, and had just come from a week of pitiful training in LA,. Specifically, in Beverly Hills! I was surrounded by gel-haired bros in checked shirts and dark wash jeans, and hipster gals, who were thin, tall, and thin. They all talked SUPER FAST! And kept saying SDK SDK SDK SDK. And I was TOO afraid to ask questions and look unqualified. I was trying to LEAN IN but I just wanted to run away.
At the big get-together in LA, I was so nervous to be outed for not knowing what SDK meant, that I got drunk at the drinks event and barely remember collapsing in to my fancy Beverly Hills bed.
And now, I was back in Chicago, having been "trained" and I was like what the fuck am I doing? Why did I leave the easy life of print sales to go work as a DIGITAL SELLER at BIG DEAL MOBILE VIDEO COMPANY????
Upon arrival, one of the other reps tried to help set me up with a double monitor. WHY WOULD YOU WANT THAT? IT'S TOO CONFUSING???? So I accidentally snapped "I'm good i can figure it out" and went on with taking my Skype pic (the preferred method of instant messaging in this org), my email, my laptop and acting like it wasn't a big deal that everyone was chatting it up while I nervously sat on the side. What do you do on your first day? Do you butt into conversations? One time, my advertising nemesis (now we are friends) told me she picked on my at our first job because "Beck, you just asked so many questions!". So, I better not ask questions!
Look how cute, excited, and nervous I was when I took this and was pretending to not care that my new colleagues were all talking to each other and not me!
That, it turns out, is what I did when there was one-on-ones, or all hands meetings (WHAT IF YOU ARE MISSING A HAND? I HAVE A GOOD FRIEND WHO IS AND IS IT MY JOB TO STAND UP FOR HER AT THIS JUNCTURE?)
I didn't ask questions. I smiled and nodded and took notes on stuff I didn't understand and ran home and googled all the acronyms (API, DSP, ISP, CRM) and terms (Unique Device Id, Multi-Screen, Pipeline, Attribution, Programmatic Private Exchange). It was so so hard and I was WAY TOO SHY and afraid of losing my job to ask questions. There was no formal training program, the BIG BOSS was a total bro/harasser when he came into town (made a disparaging comment about a pregnant client we had just seen) and everything I had succeeded at throughout my media career (quick learner! Enthusiastic! Genuine!) was not serving me in any way in this new role. I was overwhelmed, surrounded by a bunch of know-it-all clients, and felt inferior.
And, plus, that old nemesis (now friend) had warned me that asking questions was a reason to get picked on!
So, I struggled. I tried to practice my "pitch", spend time with the really nice in-house expert, casually joked around with my fellow employees about "All these crazy acronyms" and they instead took videos of a drunk woman flashing everyone at a bar when we were out celebrating the Blackhawks championship win.
Thank GOD I had my Chicago boss. She talked (and still talks) fast, she's whip smart and we got along. Though, it took me a while to feel confident to befriend her. Her eyebrows are just too good for her to be normal. I eventually made some progress-selling some stuff and befriending most of the Chicago team. Except one lady. Who I honestly, now love. But, she was really unhappy at that job and it showed (sorry lady friend---I think you are amazing! It was just a weird time for everyone!)
What I wish now, is that I had spoken up more and sought additional training. That I had insisted on more one-on-ones with the tech people, and been more honest about where I needed to learn. But, I was so so afraid of losing my job, failing and such.
So, I quit and followed my boss to another job. It was a better fit. I felt more confident. I lasted a year there and then, someone in our LA HQ said "Becky needs to stop asking questions on the calls". So, I quit. I threw my hands up in the air and decided to walk away.
But, what I learned is--have more one-on-ones. Be honest about where you need to learn. Work on your skills and pitches and practice. Trust what you are good at (Enthusiastic! Great relationships! Curiosity! Teaching/Training! Writing! Explaining complicated shit!)
And, now, almost two years later, I am finally ready to pursue a new job in digital media. I am moving to LA, and really want to work in the industry again.
The good news--for the next job--I will ask questions! In fact, I was interviewing for a job, and the thing that thrilled me is that they had a HARD CORE training program! Where I can learn and ask questions without worrying about the bros judging me as unsuitable. A faker. Or someone who doesn't know their way around the BIG DEAL MOBILE VIDEO COMPANY. And, I'll have nothing but one-on-ones! (they wanted someone who already lived in LA, so no dice on this job).
Wish me luck, dear readers, as I once again jump back in to the world of gelled-hair bros, amazing lady bosses and a place of fear, but opportunity too.
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(And, just in case you are wondering: SDK stands for "Software Delivery Kit" and allow app developers to work with a set of tools and features to create an app that can live on a certain system. (Beeco--you can totally correct me on this!)
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