PANIC

I had a little panicky moment and feeling yesterday.  My sisters Beth and Kitty and I try to walk as much as we can (or bike when the weather is good).  And, Kitty comes over every night, and we catch up on the day, and really know the details of each other's lives. 

Last night was the first night without my dad...and we kept saying it'll feel so freeing to not have him constantly interrupting and demanding his Bruce attention.

In truth, I felt mostly really sleepy, and not very fun.  Without work, and my dad to bitch about, my life is pretty empty.  Kitty got up to leave and I said "Now what am I going to do?" and she said..."I wondered the same thing."

So, while my dad cheerfully drove off to Florida, happily imagining golf courses and his newly burned cds and NPR to entertain him on the way, I am here, in an empty house, glad for the peace and quiet but secretly despairing on the purpose of my life.

Thankfully, I've been to therapy so I kicked in and reflected and exercised, picked up healthy items from the grocery store, turned on some good tunes, put my phone down and out of my reach, cleaned my living space, read through my mom's recipe box, knitted and did some self-care.  I shored up my financials, made a list, made plans to move out of my LA apartment, got in to see the doctor, dentist, pap smear, mammogram, etc.

But man, those moments, and missing my dad and mom (and dog)--I've got to lean into them.  Because I know that's the way through for me.  But they SUCK!

Grateful to be here, grateful for my family and friends and colleagues and the great state of California for unemployment and looking forward to this reset.