This is FUNNY!

 I was on the treadmill (Covid purchase) around happy hour (5p for Bruce, 8p for me) and he was yucking it up, having caught "Terms of Endearment" halfway through.  Aurora and the Astronaut were out on a date, and the astronaut said something about Aurora having a stick up her ass and Bruce was cracking up.  Bruce has a REALLY loud laugh--we can all hear it from afar.  He loves to laugh, loves to make people laugh and approaches many situations with a joke.  It's a wonderful trait but also really taxing at times if you want, to you know, talk about something serious.

Anyway, "Terms" is one of my favorite movies to watch when I need to cry. I haven't watched it since my mom died (I don't think) because I couldn't bear it.  

My sisters and mom also loved this movie for the same reason--a good make you cry movie.  An enema for your tears.

So, I hop off the treadmill, a little emotional spy, and serve up some tissues to my dad.  He says "I'm not crying" (Tough guy routine) and he wasn't.  But then, Emma gets cancer.

And then we watched the scene where Aurora wants the shot for Emma's pain.

My sister Kitty came over and said "Why the fuck are we watching this?"  I replied "I didn't tell him, I'm just letting it play out."

He proclaims "I didn't know this movie was this good!"

Kitty pretends to not be watching, and irons a shirt and pants for Simon, who has a big day tomorrow.

And then, the scene, with those two 80's looking little boys saying goodbye to their mom. I'm tearing up right now, because they remind me so much of my brothers, hair in their eyes, one sensitive, the other tough, looking on their mom with blue eyes and dark curly hair.  It was the saddest thing I've ever seen when I was little, and now that it's happened, we've lost our mom, I'm MAD that we didn't get that goodbye.  She was whisked off to be intubated and we thought we'd talk to her again.  Sometimes, when I'm calm and rational, I think--the manner of her death doesn't matter...grief is grief.

But this feels like a really shitty breakup---where it came out of the blue, your boyfriend seems to have decided to end it and not filled you in and you are caught by surprise.  How was I such a fool?  And with mom, how did I not know she was going to die?  Did we miss something?  Make a mistake?  What would I have done or said or wanted to hear if we had known?

I think she knew.  That last day, before ICU, she said to me "It doesn't look good".  And then when she was about to intubated, she said to my dad "I think he's taking me up".  But for 10 days, we lingered, dance parties to the Rolling Stones and Barry Manilow, traced the up and down of her blood counts, chest scans, oxygenation, and hoped hoped we could talk to her again.

We never did, not on this mortal plane.

So, back to Terms, those sweet boys, that wonderful mom and I'm crying, Dad's sobbing and Kitty's spilling tears on the ironing board.

Anyway, it ends with Kitty and Dad in a fight ("I'd never leave my children" "I didn't say you would") and as these two fight, I know (Because I've been to therapy) that they are sad, incredibly sad and we all miss mom. So, I get up, exit the fight, fix my dad a plate, pour some sweet white wine and we all settle down to talk.

Pad Thai, is that how you say it?

 I've been home with my dad for 4 months.  One of us cooks every night (mostly him).  Today, he got in a huff with me over some mail, and a bigger huff with my sister Kitty about demons (!?!).

I decided that something has to change.  He goes to Florida in 3 weeks.  I'll have this lovely house to myself.  I'll really MISS him and worry, but will enjoy some quiet time.

Covid pushes buttons.  We've lost people to this and had family get it.  So, I suggested: let's treat our selves and order in Chinese tomorrow night.  We haven't ordered out ONCE since I've been here.  I cooked Thanksgiving dinner, he cooks everynight.  It's time.

He eats at 5, I eat at 9 or 10. SO...I wrote out the order and we'll have a little more fun tomorrow.

(I hope, oh god I hope!)

My memories of IO

College:  My college improv group, The Tower Players, did not have auditions.  THANK GOD as I never would have made it.  This, more than anything, opened me up to improv.  We were an open walk-in system.  Very democratic---anyone could come to our open rehearsals and shows and everyone would get a chance to play.  It was fairly equal in terms of gender, primarily white with a bit of BIPOC.

College trip to Chicago:
We do fundraising, take a van, and use the funds to pay for lodging, gas, one pizza dinner out, our workshops at Second City and tickets to see the show.  We crash at Larry's Aunt and Uncle's, various Chicago relatives.

College Trip 2 to Chicago:
Oh wow, everyone else in my improv group seems to know who Del Close is...ok this is fun!  Oh, that guy at the bar is cute...(why was I, a 20-year old college girl, flirting with a grown man? Because he was funny.).

Post-college, living in Chicago:
I better start at Second City.  SHIT! I didn't get into level 2.  Um, work is really busy so I guess I'll just do that and make some friends?

I take a year off from improv, focusing on my day job in advertising, making friends and indie sketch shows with my college improv pals

Interning at IO:
I can barely pay rent on my salary, so I get an internship at IO.  Hauling ice, working the box office (it was so cold in the winter--right at the front door, we'd wear our intern shirts over heavy sweaters) and got classes for free.

Box Office Interning at IO:
This Star Wars show is amazing. I start sneaking into rehearsals to see how they put it together, my roommate Leah and I start hanging out with Brendan Gardiner and Mike Ross.  Brendan tries on his Darth Vader costume in our living room.

Jedi: The musical Tour De Force Opens:
Man, I love this show...even though I don't know the source material.  And man, boys love this Star Wars Parody.  Sure, I'll understudy for Jen Bills (squeal!) "The emperor has made a critical error..."  These boys sure are funny! Craig Cackowski would run up from the Harold to the Del Close cabaret to do the mic-only voice of the big thug character...I honestly can't think.  The one who put Princess Lei in a bikini?    (Looking back--they had a man, a very wonderful talented man, play the one female lead)

First Class with Susan Messing:
oh!  WOW!  You can actually be a kick-ass girl

First time watching Jane:
Amazing!  More please (then I hear one of the men from the back of the bar say that the women shouldn't use their baby voices all the time)

Interning at IO for New Year's Eve:
Handing out champagne to the Armando show on NYE, Susan nodded at me and smiled like we were friends!

First IO team--Jesus and Tequila:
YES! YES! YES!  We all LOVE each other all the time!  (Pretty equal split between boys and girls, but a lot of student teams had that.  As you moved up, it was primarily male.  Lance Barber, Jason Sperling, Shannon Manning, Toni Tabora (right?), Dana Goodman, Julia Wolov, Harlan Cohen,

First IO show:
I am flying!  This is wonderful!  Oh shit, musical option...

First IO class with Del:
Why is Del yelling at me for the suggestion I threw out?  Oh, Del liked that monologue I did!  Oh, why is everyone getting stoned and giggling? Pot makes me paranoid.

Second IO show:
Work kept me there all hours, so I would work all day, grab a cab, and barely arrive on time for the show.  I am overwhelmed and get a bit judgey (I did Improv in COLLEGE).  I wish I could go back and tell that girl to be confident, not cocky and not try to fit in so much and just be who she was

Interning, first time watching Frank Booth in the blue velvet lounge:
Oh wow.  These guys are so good.  This is why we improvise.  Also, it's not all just dudes.  They are magic

Any random weeknight:
Open my calendar, it's work, outings with sales reps, rehearsals, shows and very little sleep.

First Del Close show:  Dinner for Six
I'm interning, and Jason Chin is creating a new form and asks if I want to be in the show.  (Did I understudy? Or was I in it?  I think I understudied...)

Second IO team--The Pat Shay Dancers, first meeting
"Becky, what are you doing to make Charna like us?  I'm taking her out..."  UM WHAT?  I'm one of two girls on a 9-person team. All white.

On the front lawn at Susan Messing's Party:
Peter Gwinn: "Can you sing?"
Me:  YES (I couldn't, and still dread singing improv, though I keep on trying)
Peter Gwinn:  We're going to put you on Vlad...they need girls
Me (in my head): Who's Vlad?

First rehearsal with Vlad:
We rehearsed.  Every week.  Rumor was that other teams didn't rehearse.  Everyone smoked except Clampitt and I.  I was the only girl on the team

Random gossip:
Second City put together the first mainstage cast with equal members boys and girls.  Wow.  This is "news"?

First show with Vlad:
Ross Foti:  Walks out, stops mid-stage, I mirror him.  Ross "I'm the devil" Me: "I'm the devil's intern"
(I had been an intern 3 times by then, and was obsessed with interning, as well as cousin relationships)

Post-show with Vlad:
Jarvis takes my shoe and drinks Champagne out of it and I feel happy, welcome, and excited to be doing improv here at IO.

Christmas Party at IO, 1997:
I'm interning and Chris Farley walks down the ramp.  I go home that Christmas and brag about it...trying to make the connection between myself and a "famous" alum...somehow this free work I'm doing seems important

Out for lunch with some ad sales rep at Tucci Benuchi, in the Bloomingdale's Building
Dina Facklis, Pat McKenna and Lance Barber all work there.  They send over a comped appetizer in an act of improv solidarity.  Since I try to hide my improv aspirations at work (I'm afraid of being fired/exposed) I am torn between gratitude and "Oh shit, my cover is blown!". I also think for the millionth time--I should quit my day job but am worried about health insurance.

First schedule cut:
Jesus and Tequila were no more.  Um, what? Why?  Did anyone else know this?  How does this happen?

Random Intern shift at Del Close Theatre:
Someone is sleeping on the couch, and I'm hauling buckets of ice from the back to the bar.  This person wakes up and says "Hey Becky" and I'm like FUCK FUCKETY FUCK I can never remember anyone's name here...I should be networking more...I don't want to be a kiss ass...It was the lovely Seamus McCarthy who would go on to coach Red, play with us on Vlad (he was not the creepy one:)) and squire us around in Vegas after Lis' divorce when he was performing there.  He did give Red really long notes...I think he saw something in us but we didn't have a ton of ambition on Red.

Random Vlad show:
Only me, and Pat McKenna were there before the show and Charna came up and asked me where the others were. This was before cell phones, and we had phone lists.  Um, I DON't KNOW...they always show up.

The Judy Blume show:
I go and see the Judy Blume show starring all these baller girls, and directed by Susan Messing at the Annoyance.  I feel joy, wonder and happiness...and immediately want to write a little house show.  But, I have to go to work the next day

Another Vlad show:
What is a sit-in?  How can you just sit-in, even if you don't rehearse?  That's against the rules!  Oh, well, I guess this guy must be important.  He's kind of creepy

Vlad was eventually cut from the schedule and went to the Playground. I think it was considered a "Coup" but we loved playing together.  Lillie taught us Close Quarters

(In the meantime, I'm part of the emerging Playground Theatre, and am on 3 teams there.  All of them feel like home in a way that only Vlad had felt.  We didn't have to worry about who at the back of the bar was half-watching us, making snarky comments, who was kissing Charna's ass, and singing for musical option.  We could do something aside from the Harold and felt, like we had all been outsiders at IO, or Indie teams before that was a thing, and could start this new place for the art form we loved)

I went away to Newport with an amazing group of IO folks:  Grondy, Pat Shay, Chris Day (who eventually grew to like me, I think:), Sue Salvi, Tara Davis, led by the amazing, always inspiring mentor to me, Lillie Frances.  We don't get enough material in the show, so we start a lady's writing group, 8 oz bette.

I get back, and I'm now longer on a team.  I ask Jason about why, and he sort of sighs at me and looks away.  I call Charna and she says "We can put you on Jane" but it's an all-female team, and I'm already on a all-female team and we've really bonded, so that feels like a betrayal.

Why I'm going home (for now)

I'm really excited to hit the road this weekend!  Pickle and I are hopping in the old Prius (pri-pri as I like to call it) and heading back home to Elyria, Ohio.

My family is all there, and I'm here, sitting in my apartment, watering my plants, listening to pickle snore and barely going out at all.  I am still working (thank god) and can take a week of vacation to travel 2,000 miles east.

Everyone back home has been doing the mask, the distancing etc.  But they have backyards and barbecues and pools and each other.  Woe is me, sitting out here in LA...yearning to go home.

I've always had an escape fantasy where I go live in Ohio for 6 weeks...where I can visit with uncles more than once on a visit, go on bike rides to oberlin every Sunday am with my sisters, work on puzzles, and just get to live, instead of visit.

Also, I think I need to do some casual mourning of my mom, of the isolation of this pandemic, and have some bonfires.

Anyway, I'm going to be (in theory) documenting this road trip on the blog.

I've got a tent, a mattress and camping supplies in the pri pri.  Pickle's been practicing some crate time so she doesn't poop on her grandfather's floor (he's not her real grandfather, she's a dog and he's a human).

I'm mapping out my path, avoiding Nevada, Arizona, Texas and all the high level covid areas.

And I'm going home!

Easter: Made it myself, ate by myself.

Bruce, my father. He'll be driving me nuts in a week!

The last time I saw my dad!

Tad and Syd came to visit LA in February

These two are cousins/BFF and are the same age...

The OG Eldridge Posse

Christmas 2019 with the Gawens

Kitty and Paul: Same hair, same face (Bruce in mirror in background)

Dinner at the Eaglehawk/old Spring Valley (Bruce doesn't order food, and then eats yours.  Just one of his charming qualities!)

Pickle, contemplating the meaning of life and duplicity.

TOO MUCH TV

Coronapurchases
I'm lucky enough that I am still working, and working at a job that I love!  Unfortunately,  I also bring with me a ton of debt.  So, Corona is a welcome respite from normal expenses like eating out, or my favorite, Dunkin' Donuts.  It also means no gym for me (I had just joined the Y and was so excited about the classes).

Also, though I am surrounded by hills and hiking--I don't love working out with a mask.  Plus, I have plenty of time on my hands.

Hence...here are my big corona purchases:

A tiny keyboard for a small space!

1) A child's keyboard and piano lessons from my niece Olivia.  She taught me middle c, scales, and sent me 2 songs to learn:  Over the Rainbow and When the Saints come Marching in!  I texted her back and said "I love these songs" and she wrote "I figured you would!"  I don't have children and I don't plan on stealing anyone's...but I do really get a kick out of being an Aunt.


2)Library Books
I have been watching too much tv for my little brain.  Going on to Facebook, People.com and avoiding Instagram.  I have been missing biking, hiking, eating out, etc...even though I can still do those things (well, not eating out)! So, I decided to load up the old ipad with a ton of books.  (Normally, when I don't have anything to read, I grab a Harry Potter or Little House and re-read those series).    Now, my closest friends know that my fast reading skills are a huge point of pride (is there a test I can take to prove how fast I was, and if i was continuing to improve).  Read during Corona:  All the Besty-Tacy-Tib books, Loretta Lynn Biography, Stephen King's The Outsider,  Tina Brown's Biography of Princess Diana, shoot...I'll have to get up to check my ipad to see what else and my coffee is the perfect sipping temperature so I'll have to delay.  Anyway, I've read a ton LESS than watching TV and realized...my brain is turning to mush.  Let's get the reading going!

3) Podcasts
I do listen to a ton of podcasts:  favorites include:  The Daily, Again with this, Pod Save the Queen, Startup. I was on "happier in hollywood" but haven't felt like listening to that lately.

4) A rebounder!  (That's what they call a home trampoline!)  This will hopefully solve my mask fitness problems...ha!  Anyway, I couldn't assemble it because the net was too tight so I hired a neighbor to put it together and he finished it this morning!  There are exercise routines in the booklet that I hope to try tmw.  This particular rebounder is made in germany, with exercise routines that are very german and I am german, so I am looking forward to trying their routines out! (The Beagle was also a bargain---they let me have her for free because she was a rescue!  There was a nominal fee, but it was worth it!)

It's a trampoline, not a rebounder.  Stupid.

I can't wait to try the ball one!

There is no way you would ever be this serious on a trampoline.  They are so much more fun than that and you can wear crazy socks!

5) A rug!  From Aldi!  It's so cute--a rag rug in bright colors. I re-arranged furniture yesterday and hope to find a home for it.  My big bitch about my apartment is I don't get much light. So, I decided to set up a little reading and writing nook in the corner by the window,

Club Chair courtesy Winnemac Yard Sale, Grey pouf Courtesy Samsucks Pop-up program via CB2, Painting courtesy Crate and Barrel floor sample.  Fluffy dog bed courtesy Amazon, price upon request.

and I'm happily sitting here now with 5 of my favorite things:  a cup of coffee, a fake pendleton blanket my mom got at a garage sale that I immediately grabbed in the after-death clothing swap, this big white club chair that my mom and I got at a yard sale across from my old condo, a grey poof used in a pop-up shop that I worked at last spring, and plants. I could go on and on about the bargains in my apartment (my coffee table was on clearance, the piece of art above my chair was priced at $600 at crate and barrel but I got the floor model for $60, my mcm desk I got at an old lady's apartment sale for $120, the fuscia rolling desk chair I got from the curb, the turquoise vase I got from the giveaway library, the teal couch I hunted high and low for and got at Macy's on sale during the memorial day sale, the poufs I got at Crate and Barrel outlet, these curtains are from Andy and John and works great, the hanging lamp is from Corey and Mo, the copper cocktail shaker is from Aldi and I've given at a gift to 3 of my nephews, the mirrored side table was from Crate and Barrel outlet, on clearance). I am CHEAP!  And proud of it!  Anyway, no furniture purchases during Corona.  Though it's very tempting!  Instead, some re-arranging.

Mid-Century Modern Desk Courtesy Estate Sale on Winnemac in Andersonville, Large Monitor courtesy of neighbor John and Katie for watching their dog, Fuschia Rolling chair courtesy curb lawn (or neighbor ?)

Turquoise vase courtesy Giveaway library Team Rodney, Mirrored side table Courtesy Crate and Barrel Outlet, Copper Cocktail shaker, courtesy Aldi, Console stand courtesy neighbor John and Katie's recent move

Curtains courtesy of Andy and John, courtesy of their former landlords in Chicago

Console courtesy curb lawn, JC Penney stereo courtesy of JC Penney xmas gift card from my nephews, records courtesy of Eldridge 70's collection and garage sale finds)

Coffee table, Pouf (in the background Aldi candle set in fireplace)

8p Ring the Pots!

Here in LA, I live on a residential street, and all around me is a square of "town".  It's very similar to my old neighborhood back in Chicago, Andersonville---residential street tucked between commercial streets.  When I lived in Andersonville, all of my closest friends were within 2 miles--so we called going to Clark street "going to town".  In college, if you went to downtown Oxford, it was actually called "uptown" and I still have dreams where I'm going "uptown".  Growing up back in Elyria, we could easily bike or walk to school, downtown Elyria, the library, etc.  I like to strap on my backpack or load up my bike with empty bags and head up to the neighborhood grocery store.  Though here, in LA, I don't have a walkable Aldi, so I have to drive to the magic place.  I don't particularly like strip malls or commercial shopping areas: I'm a little snob--I like them cute, and walkable.

Anyway, where I live in LA is Los Feliz...and it's pretty fancy.  Homes around here cost a lot more than I'll see in my day, and the rent is super-high for my little one-bedroom apartment. 

But here's the thing---every night at 8p up at the end of my block, all the neighbors gather and do a clapping/shouting/bang on a cowbell/pots and pans tribute to front line workers.  I like to go on long walks at night, and more and more, I find myself drawn to that corner.  Someone chalked out a welcome/come join us.  I have no idea who in the vicinity is or isn't a first responder...it's something people like to do so I follow along like a little lemming.

One night, someone took out their trumpet and started tooting away on their balcony. I couldn't see the player..but as a fellow trumpeter, I really appreciated the effort.

Another bangs out notes on their keyboard, and another neighbor made a big banner on their balcony that reads "Hope" or somesuch. I guess I should take a picture of it.

It's been really lovely to make it part of my day when I can, and how wonderful to see the human spirit shining through. I was jealous of all the people in Italy who were singing from balconies...so I can go up the street and wipe out some of that fomo.
Video here

Some other fun community-type things:
THE BUCKET
My apartment faces a courtyard:  neighbors have rigged up a "pulley" system to move a bucket between the 3rd floor and 2nd floor.  It's like the neighbor mailbox in LITTLE WOMEN!  They recently got a longer rope so I get to participate!  We exchange food and return tupperware and it makes me so very giggly when we pass the bucket.

MJE
We have a little lending library in our apartment building:  People have been leaving masks, TP, food items, muffins, puzzles, etc and of course, there's books.  I kept eyeballing one book that was there forever:  a Fannie Flagg.  But, I thought "I've read that".  Finally, during the pandemic, I grabbed it.  I opened up the front cover and saw written in there "M. J. E".  It was my mom's book! (MJE = Mary Jane Eldridge.  She died almost 2 years ago and it still SUCKS!  So, she comes up a lot in this blog!  Anyway, we loved to call her MJ.  I don't she liked it so that made us even more excited to call her that.) I must have put it in the lending library during a prior purge.  I was delighted and then, of course, was delighted by "The All-Girl Filling Station's Last Reunion".   She's a really great, joyful writer and I fell into the world she created in Alabama and Wisconsin.  HIGHLY recommend! And lesson learned---don't give away your Fannie without looking under the cover!

THE PICKLE FLOP

When I take a longer walk, I go around the block to a street called Dracena.  It's LOVELY--filled with old California Craftsman Bungalows, old-growth trees, sidewalks with tiny hills and cracks from roots breaking through...it's like a dream street for sentimental old me.  Anyway, lots of neighbors hang on their front porch, and Pickle loves a good show-off moment..so she pauses, and then flips on her backside in the grass on the curb lawn, rubbing and turning like a horse without a saddle, or a lady without her bra...and the world loves it.  I act like I don't enjoy the attention (I DO! I ALWAYS DO!) and it always makes me laugh.  Everyday. 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Craftsman

VALLEY GLEN, PLEASE
Andy and John live in a really fun neighborhood called "Valley Glen".  Every Friday during the pandemic, the neighbors gather at the Cul-de-sac in front of Andy's drive for Happy Hour. I was at the first one, and got to meet many of the mostly middle-aged and senior neighbors.  Many of them have been there for years...so have a great deal of pride.  I was invited up each week---but finally made it this week.  (When they ask Andy and John--they say "where's that lady? I love being called an anonymous being..It makes me laugh!).  Anyway, the lady showed up, and they had set up chairs, coolers with snacks, and drinks. I pulled up, and asked "how are things here in Van Nuys?" and they all playfully admonished me and said "It's VALLEY GLEN".  I think they like to avoid saying Van Nuys because it was such a hub for porn production, and there are kids around? Anyway, one of the fellows is quite a gabber. In the course of 10 minutes, I was reminded that he's a musicologist professor at Occidental College, is currently learning to play an 8-stringed Bulgarian instrument, lost 38 lbs on Keto, his hair is still naturally dark brown and he has a lot of it, and is 70.  He's my favorite of the neighbors!  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tambura_(instrument)

After, we had turkey burgers that Andy made.  Andy likes to pretend he knows how to work a grill...but he kept forgetting to check the turkey burgers.  I know from my time with the Weber grill master at Sunset that one should never flip a beef burger...just let it cook. Don't push down on the meat to release juices...even though it's a really satisfying sound to hear that sizzle.  Just keep that grill cover closed.   https://www.weber.com/US/en/kevin-kolman/weber-26112.html

But a turkey burger requires a bit more attention. Mine was certainly well-done.  But, what was even better was sitting there visiting with Andy and John and Pearl and Pickle.  They have transformed their backyard into an oasis.  We caught up on how our families are doing, how we all are doing and it was a damn delight.

Our friend Gillian came by our building to drop off puzzles to share.  She's a good pal of 3 of us, so we met out front and did a socially-distanced visit.  Oh my god it was fun.  We had to keep parting way for people in the sidewalk (my one neighbor flips her lid when she sees someone without a mask. It's very important to her...and she is very passionate about it.  I don't like to tell people what to do (I just like to think it inside my head) so I enjoy when she fights her reaction.  She wears her heart on her sleeve and it's a wonderful quality.  So, that was pretty fun).  Anyway, we talked about life, quarantine, old people, moms, how the increase in technology has brought relationships closer, etc. What a wonderful visit!

(Gillian has been keeping us entertained with her cooking show:  https://www.instagram.com/gillianbellinger/?hl=en )

Happy Mother's Day

I woke up late and came out to the couch to wish Pickle a happy mother's day!  She's a dog, so I don't think she celebrates it much.  When I first got her, she had just been spayed, and they suspected she had been a mother.  She also had a few breast cancer lumps, so those were removed (she wears a pink harness to represent breast cancer awareness).  Anyway, Pickle was very sweet and wagged her tail and gave me one of her big pickle smiles* (Pickle's lips are shaped into a smile naturally, so I don't think she's actually smiling, but her tail wagging usually means she's content).  I grabbed my coffee and put my hair back in a clip and hopped on a zoom call.

It was wonderful---my BFF Kristin's mom, Mrs Roth,  was having her 75th birthday--so they set up a "surprise" party via zoom!  My other BFF, Amy, was on...so was her mom, Mrs Petersen.  They were our Girl Scout leaders in Elementary school, and were just wonderful. 

A ton of family and friends, and I stayed on the whole time because it filled me up with love and it was just plain hilarious.  Many of the people were of a generation not used to technology---but they were all trying to log in, and make the most of it.  The younger people kept their snide remarks to themselves (Ok, Amy and Kristin and I texted about it on the side)...and Mrs Roth, in true form, introduced everyone, asked about everyone and deflected any question about herself.  That's the way we were raised in Elyria. 

In the end, it was Mrs Roth, Mrs Petersen, Kristin, Amy and I.  I knew I'd start to cry if we didn't keep it jokey...and so we told stories and gossiped about our girl scout camping trips, high school and us not being good girl scouts to all of our teachers.  I couldn't help but feel there was one square missing on the zoom call.  But, I really wanted to soak up the love and affection and fun...so we told lots of old jokes and remembered the good times.

I don't feel as sad as I did right after my mom died.  I don't feel desperate. But I do miss her.  And I've been really homesick for Ohio.

Don't get me wrong---I have a really great job, an amazing community, and I'm healthy and able to pay my rent. There's plenty to be grateful for.

So, this year, on Mother's Day, I'm thinking of my mom. I'm thinking of my Aunt Barb, who passed away last week.  She and my mom are probably up in heaven, celebrating Mother's Day in a modest way, and catching up on the last two years.  Mimi and Pa, Grandma and Grandpa Walsh, Uncle Richard, Grandma and Grandpa Eldridge, Aunt Flo, Mrs France...they are hanging out and watching over us and maybe playing cards?  Or reading. 

Anyway, this generation is slipping away a bit..now we're the aunts and uncles.  And thanks to my mom, and all those guys, we know what to do to make it through this Covid and you know, deaths without funerals and the sadness of the world.  Just keep on charging on.  Write cards and send them out.  Make actual telephone calls.  Show up to people's birthdays, and celebrations and such. 

So, today, I was on a zoom call, I'll see my friend Tim and John for a little bit and go on a walk with my friend Lauren.  Yesterday I cleaned, and organized and wrote and worked on my puzzle and read two books.  Tonight, I'll read some more, maybe take a nap and think of all the moms who take care of us...

Here's a picture of my mom and Aunt Barb (and my sisters)

Adventure? Adventure!

I guess I should mention that we are in the time of COVID-19 and the pandemic.  This horrible flu that eats lungs and causes death started in China, and then moved to Italy and Iran and then tore through NYC's suburbs and now we are all hiding from it.  Too many people need to be hospitalized, and schools shut down and we all are supposed to stay home, and only go out for essentials.  We can go on walks, but not to the gym, nor to crowded hiking trails, etc.  Everyone lucky enough to still have a job (like me) is encouraged to work from home.

Well, I'm now on month 2 and I live alone (though in a very friendly building) and today, we lost a family member.  It's my Aunt Barb, and it wasn't from the Covid...at least not that I know of.  Anyway, she had Parkinson's and other stuff, and had a horrible fall and broke her wrist last year.  She had such a strong spirit.  She seemed to have an affinity for little pickle...she used to have a beagle when we were growing up, Sybil. So, back in the day before everyone started dying, when I was home visiting in Elyria, my mom would take Pickle over to go see Aunt Barb and Uncle Tom.

I called her and Uncle Tom last week to chit chat, and she was, in true Aunt Barb fashion, only asking about me and Pickle and I could barely get either of them to tell me how they were. 
That was my experience of Aunt Barb to a tee.  Always asking about you, and then really digging deep...asking follow up questions and just the best listener.  I feel for her 6 kids, for my uncle tom, all the grandkids and the countless number of people who had her as a teacher at St. Mary's in Elyria.  And how do you do a funeral?  How on earth is that done now when we can't go to churches or funeral parlors and shouldn't...

So, I was feeling a little sad...had a wonderful video chat with the Elyria Gal Pals, double call with my sisters and decided to hit the road.  Which brings me back to this time of isolating physically.  I've been purposely ignoring the news in order to keep spirits strong when I can.  We lost another family member to Covid, and so it's just a lot with all the talk of ventilators, and respiratory therapists and ICU and all that is so similar to my mom's experience.  One system starts to fail, so you pump her full of drugs, and another system tips into distress and ICU was just haywire.

I know I shouldn't be risking myself by hitting the road. If there was an accident, that pulls resources from others who need them.  In fact, there was some kind of accident on the side of the mountain road, and half a dozen sheriff vehicles were there surrounding a steep dropoff.  But, dear devoted readers, that fresh mountain air, driving west and then up the mountain (am I in the Sierra Madres at that point?) and seeing view after view of valleys and peaks and a giant blue mountain lake...girlfriend needed a breather.  Pickle enjoyed it too...I think her little beagle nose was going nuts for bears, raccoons, etc.   I enjoyed the spring flowers, the flowering trees, and walking the back streets of Big Bear Village. I always find the backs of buildings, the alleys and the parking structures more fun than the front...and I was well-rewarded on this ramble, as I cleared my head, said some prayers for my family and found 2 beauties of pine cones.  I felt connected to the world, my heart was full of both joy and sucky sorrow...and Big Bear lake was beautiful.

I drove home before it was dark, enjoyed my favorite road snack (Chili Cheese Fritos and Diet Dr Pepper, with the Diet Dr Pepper at car temperature---mmmmm yummmm) and am now home on the couch.

Much love to you Aunt Barb--I know you will get to see your parents and family and tell my mom we are all doing great but we really miss her.

xo

May Day

It's Friday, May 1.  I woke up in such a good mood today despite some sad news back home:  and the sun is shining, my dog was snoring and work was good and I just felt happy.  I got very ambitious and took a morning shower and threw on a dress for the weekend.

And then I thought about why I'm so happy and I think it's tied to May Day.

When we were little, my mom encouraged us to make up baskets and pick flowers and leave them on our neighbor's doorsteps.  Kitty and I would create baskets of colored construction paper, and fill them with dandelions, daffidols, whatever we could pluck that had popped it's head out in the spring air.

We'd go around to our neighbors:  The Oates, the Johnsons, The Millers, the Briscoes, the Kubas and leave a little basket on their door, ring the bell and run away.

I have a pretty clear memory of doing this at the Oates, and Nancy Oates must have seen us and thought we were playing ding dong ditch, and yelled at us to stop ringing the doorbell.

Kitty and I were very polite and even a bit shy back then, so it really surprised us---there was this contradiction of what we intended vs what was perceived by the receiver.

My mom loved these old time German-ish traditions, and she also loved giving flowers as a gift.

I remember when the 25th anniversary parties rolled around--she'd always give a rose bush.  And, when the daffidol mound at Mimi's (her mother, my grandmother)...she'd have us pick them at Sunday brunch, and then take them to our teacher's the next day.  I felt shy of doing that---like, is this weird?

But now I realize that because Mimi was a teacher, and two of my aunts, my uncle were all teachers, she really encouraged us to be thankful for the service of that education.

Anyway, here I am in LA, typing away in my little apartment, looking out at the beautiful geranium I love and thinking, how lucky we are to have flowers in the world.  I'm really missing Ohio and Chicago and you know, humans but these flower cheer a girl up.

Happy may day!

It's Friday, April 24, 2020.  I'm done with work and got ambitious and made a lasagna. It's OK--I screwed up the top layer and it's crunchy...but a good use of all my random ingredients I need to cook: Tofu, ground turkey, mozzarella, lasagna noodles, open marinara, chopped up peppers and onions.  See, I've been cooking at home every day for 6 weeks?  We are in the time of a Covid-19 pandemic, and the best thing we can do is stay home. Stay home.  STAY HOME!  So, I'm home, on a Friday night, playing Lyle Lovett on my amazon, listening to Pickle snore and shirt and snore and then huff like a horse and yawn and dream.  My favorite is when she's sleeping, and is dreaming and her little feet pedal and she barks in the sweetest most polite way.  Like, she doesn't want to bother me but this dream is so amazing.

I played a hand of online Poker---and lost on a bad bet.  As in, I bet badly.  I always do. I just like to play!!!  Not so good at strategy.

Missing my family, my friends in Chicago, hell, even my friends here.  I'm coming up on 2 years in this apartment, and I finally did my gallery wall.  It turned out pretty good for a janky-ass hammer, some tacks and mostly garages sale and Ikea frames.

It's Friday, April 24, 2020 and I'm ignoring the news.  It's too divisive and people fight on facebook, like it's going to change someone's mind about Trump or turn someone against another.  People are being really mean.  I'm not for Trump, but let's not call anyone a cheeto.  Low blow.

It's Friday, April 24, 2020.  I had a work happy hour today, 3 facetime calls tmw and another one sunday. This is how we socialize--in halting gestures and one at a time conversations. No side bars, no secret non-verbal communication.  Pauses and silences and then more talk about babies.

It's Friday, April 24, 2020. I miss my mom.

Stay safe everyone

Estate Sale, Walks, Reading and Dinners

Yesterday was a much welcomed fallish day in LA, a sprinkly tiny bit of rain and fog, and I was walking the old gals (Me, and Pickle) mid-morning.  We had slept in, after a long week of work and evening plans (I mean, I can't complain about free tix to the Hollywood Bowl, two dinners with friends but I do get a bit worn out), and I was gabbing with Beth, one of my two elder sisters (I am the youngest sister, the youngest cousin, the baby of the family as my mom always said, I am young young young).  Beth and my other elder sister Kitty had gone on a walk and to an estate sale. I yelled "ME TOO" because I have FOMO but also, Pickle and I were going to do the same!  It's moments like these when I see how much we are our mothers' daughters, except the part about walks.  My mom did not like to walk, stroll, amble, perambulate or meditate.  She liked to go to garages sales, estate sales, flea markets, Elyria City, garden, play volleyball, golf and read.  Not bike or run or such.  Anyway, on this Saturday in September, my sisters and I were doing the exact same thing.

This week I felt my mom's death a bunch--like a gut punch to the belly--she was on my mind, in my dreams and I couldn't figure it out.  Until it occured to me---we are coming up on 2 years from her initial diagnosis and start of treatment.  She had a surgery in October of 2017 and then chemo started in December (I think. I went to her first chemo.  She and I gabbed while my dad read the really thick book on Hamilton.  He had me read a passage and it was heady stuff---and I thought, Lin-Manuel Miranda is incredibly bright and well-read and how the hell did he take this very deep dive into Hamilton and make it HAMILTON?).  I think we went and had lunch after.  I can't remember--those fall and winter days blend in.  We were so relieved that my mom didn't have lung cancer and it was only Hodkins and the plan was that she'd have some casual chemo and be cured.  That was the plan.

Anyway, in the end, it doesn't matter if we were surprised or not surprised that she died.  She died anyway.  It was the cure that got her---the chemo killed her, not the cancer.  But how do you separate it or distinguish it?  Does it matter?  I guess if I had KNOWN she was going to die, I could have asked her how she felt about it, what she wanted to share, and asked her why she liked volleyball so much.

Instead, I'm left with these moments and memories to sift through and find the answers.  And that's up to interpretation, like any moment with someone living or dead.

Kitty (my elder sister) and I enjoy remembering times when my mom wasn't a PERFECT ANGEL  MOTHER SENT FROM HEAVEN like how she hated to walk, and would get pissed in the car and take a corner with wheels squealing on the asphalt.  And when we laugh at her we imagine my mom in heaven saying "Oh you bitches, stop complaining about me already".  Though even that is not entirely true my mom didn't use language like that. One time when I said father so and so was an asshole she got pissed at me then.  Though he was an ass (and it's not Father Cousin Charlie--he is NOT an asshole).

Anyway, a quick update:  Grief group is done, I've started a 9-5 job that'll last for 3 months and has me working downtown LA (which is just wonderful--everything a downtown should be. Old and new buildings, people bustling, lots of diversity of people, poor, rich, working etc) and I'm actually doing some writing and creating.  Who knew?  Maybe I'll even try to date.

15 months since my mom died.  My grief is a walking baby.  She still cries sometimes but is exploring her world.  Cutting back on naps.  her brain is developing as are her social skills. She's starting to put together words.  Is willing to help others.

All of this is true.  I'm less vulnerable and more able to sit at a meal and not want to run back to my dog and tv.   I haven't napped in weeks.  I'm really into seeing new parts of LA and California.

Which brings me back to the estate sale. I should have bought that long turquoise bench.  Maybe I'll go back over there today.  But I did get a Burberry scarf.  One time when the 4 of us were shopping, my mom held up a plaid shirt to show us and I so cleverly said "You can never have enough plaid" and she shoved it back on the rack and was PISSED.  There wasn't a lot to tease my mom about--because, let's admit it, she was an angel sent down from heaven to be our mother, but we could tease her about 3 things:  Her love of plaid, her curly curly hair and that she didn't like to walk.  And I cut a haircut with curly curly curly bangs.  Like, I look almost like a Duggar or O'Brien from Downton Abbey. I love them.  They remind me of my mom.  Like plaid, reading anything and everything, and not walking and volleyball and garage sales.

So, I guess she is with us.

Bruce in town

My dad was in town for what has become an annual fall visit.  In true Bruce fashion, he sent me the times of his flight but didn't indicate am or pm.  He just upgraded his phone from an old flip phone to a new flip phone, so his texts are already short, sloppy and you feel like you are texting a teenager from 2002.

"talk to me picking me up tomorrow"

"arrive at 1125 ua224 talk tonight"

So, I called and he didn't pick up. It's just him in the house now, and as we get beyond the immediate grief of losing my mom, I start to worry about him.  Did he fall? Should I text the neighbor who can come check on him?

Turns out he had fallen asleep.  After we agreed to talk.

Anyway, we had an amazing time.  For years when he and my mom would visit he drove me nuts! He likes to TALK in the morning.  Wake up EARLY.  Bitch about the coffee MAKER.

But, sometime in the last couple years...we all agreed to not talk to Becky in the morning until she had her coffee.  And, for the most part, Bruce remembers that when he visits.

This trip was his 3rd (!) to Cali.  Right?  I think so.  Oh yes! He came out right after mom died in August 2018, then in the fall of 18 and fall of 19. 

He met up with his favorite boss of ALL TIME Eric Bloom.  He's a rockstar in my dad's eyes..and to tell the truth, when they get together they really giggle like a bunch of old schoolgirls.  They went and golfed...my dad was nervous about driving my beloved PRI PRI (Prius)...but we did a practice run to Aldi in Pasadena and he then felt comfortable driving it down to meet ERIC BLOOM for golf!

At the Aldi, I relaxed into it...doing a BIG shop.  Dad is a whirlwind, and likes to keep on the move.  So, he kept trying to hurry me up even in the WEIRD AISLE!  Dad doesn't understand Aldi..if you rush, you may miss an opportunity to buy an air fryer or solar lantern.  He was pacing, so I kept sending him on mini-shopping errands...like "Find the chili seasoning envelope".  He returned with the taco seasoning bottle.  NO DAD!  Finally, after sighing and sulking, I sent him next door to try to find Bourbon or something.  He got lost (don't worry, the Altadena Aldi is nestled into the mountains...it's a beautiful setting and my dad loves to walk) and finally came back just as I was checking out.  In the old days, mom and dad would take me to the grocery store and treat, but now I'm a big 47-year old grown up lady, so I decided to refuse to take his Discover card when it came time.  He didn't offer, and I quickly realized who was behind the grocery store bill pickup---it was my mom!

More to come if i can remember what we did...